FERN BERN's

ok. WOW.this is weird. i just happened to stumble on this stupid thing. i actually havent updated in like 2 years or something? i dont think il write a lot and often but what the hell i figured id write. so senior year is coool and im having tons of funnnnn and getting into tonsssssss of freakin trouble which is probably the only shitty part of it all. i love LOVE my friends and you know its true when they say its better to have one really good friend than a bunch of not so good ones. well i dont have one i have 2 and theyre fabulous. PAMCAKES AND TRISHACAKES are my chilean bitches and i love them. our friendship i think is better than a lot of peoples because its all really clear and honest. i love the fact that we can just be comfortable with anything we have to say and we can judge eachother in some way without it being offensive. its really nice and comfortable to have friends who care about you and consider you a trustworthy person. nothings secret between us and nothings left unsaid COOL. ok so enough about that. what else? nothings really new right now other than im supposedly grounded for a month, we'll see how well that turns out ; . the city was FUN. b wood, was NOT. ok no more for now. B EZZZZZZZZZ HA.

today i saw becca and lexi in the hall while i was waiting to go in, i was really happy to see them!! and then my mom saw sandra walking upstairs to the day room so i ran upstairs to say hello, i also saw zoe and kristina <333 i miss the girls, theyre awesome and they were really excited to see me too. seeing them only made mee soooooooooo much happier im out, its such a good feeling i cant even explain it. im so tired right now.

FAT TUESDAY all the fucking way, no joke

ughhh im too full

went baby shopping with jazzy. lunch at panera's. aweful furniture hunting madness going on all day, 7 different stores, im worn out. pool, peanut butter and banana sandwich mmmmmmm mmm mmmmmm. overall, good day. and to end my awesome day, LAGUNA BEACH yoooo at 10. with jaz, goodnight.

im at tirshas house and shes really drunk. elis high and drunk and w/e. i had to drive home from the kid pitchs house cause i guess i was the only sober one in the car. good times. everyone was a mess today, it was a really random night i might add. i dont think i had any fun there except when amanda was there cause i was laughing my ass off cause shes sooooooooooooooooo funny, and because i saw my steph steph <33 i love her.

HAVA left me a sweet im today i love her and i miss her, even though she told me to eat my food and made me drink the nasty whole milk and eat the cheese sandwich ( gross ) <3 you danielle who by the way has the best sense of style ive seen.

alright i guess peeacceeeeeeeee cause its late and everyones drunk and theres nothing to do.

today was a special day, and the funny thing is, everything about today felt special and happened in a special way. from the vibe of the rooms, right down to what i ate, i loved it. i got rice pudding and grilled cheese!!! hahaha something i really wanted and the fact that i got it on my last day, it was nice. our conversations were really nice today, i felt a connection with the girls, i dont think ive ever gotten along with them as well as i did today. i really found something special in each of the girls and im really glad i got to know them and i told them something special about each of them at the end of the day. it was a good moment lol. i know it sounds so cheesy, but theres something about them i find really nice, i learned a lot by being there and sharing private moments made the time worthwhile. its ironic that i look back on everything, and i thought about the days where i hated them, and said mean funny shit about them, but the truth is, they grew on me, and saying goodbye to them was hard. i almost wanted to stay a little longer but i know theyll be ok and you have to move on anyway, right? i also liked the fact that i put together or attempted to put 300 piece puzzle with melissa and kristina. i havent done that in a while so it was nice. w/e to put in in a short sentence, i liked today a lot, and maybe it was just my mood or something, or maybe i was just happy that i was finsihed and that made everything seem more positive, but today was a special day. gabby, lexi <3 meg <3 becca <3 kristina <3 zoe <3 sandra <3

i know this entry is really long and noones gonna probably read this anyway, but w/e

i just kind of keep saying it wont last forever, and the feeling will go away really soon. in a way i beleive myself, even though we always say shit like that and it never goes away as fast as you would like it to, but i do, because we're put through hard things in life, and consequences are annoying and frustratiing and hateful and everything, but i mean, God isnt evil or anything, and i dont think he would ever put us through something that we absolutely cant endure and pass right? i dont think hes mean in a way that he would punish me, in this case, with something i cant STAND anymore and refuse to live with myself if i have to go through it for much longer, he just wouldnt. but somedays, or most days are so unbelievably hard to get through and i cant stand to be in my own skin sometimes. my mind is battling back and forth, sometimes i want to be in somebody elses body so i could take a break from this. my only fucking wish is to not think about this anymore, and that i could just be like i used to be. i really hope i lose myself in other thoughts, for my own fucking sake, seriously.

i need a change of mind, sceneary, thoughts. everything

the beach was fun today. happy 23 birthday chris!! <3 you cousin of mine. btw now officially owes us:

: going to six flags
: going to copa cabana
: going to get tattoos

i need some fun. im a very dull person man.

well.. ive looked at it from every angle possible, and ive concluded that since this is my current reality, and theres nothing i can really do about it except put full forced effort into it, i might as well make the damn best out of it. no doubt, its a god awful ty situation, perhaps the tiest ive ever been in, but if i act and feel the same way ive been feeling these past 4 days, for all this time, im literally gonna go crazy and i dont want that to happen lol. so i guess i just need hugs, i feel like i havent been hugged, like a real hug thats big and it hurts you cause the person squeezes you really bad. i havent felt that for some time. everyone needs a hug sometimes. this is my time.

but sometimes i feel that even though this is supposed to make me a better person and benefit me and my family, there are days where i feel that it makes me an even worse person because theres not a day that goes by where i dont cry, i wonder if thats a bad thing?

on another note, trisha is " seeing " someone and hes from shirley, wherever that is, and according to everyone hes a hottie lol so im really happy for trisha cause shes pretty hot herself and she deserves that. i love trisha <3 my soulmate. i really love when i see other people happy, it makes me happy also.

"close my eyes and move to the back of my mind,
where worries are washed out to sea.
see the changes peoples faces burn out like sunspots or rain drops... but today ive wasted away,
for today is on my mind"

that "today" never really left my mind. i wish it did though, sometimes, not always.

i hate my life, and the worst part is this isnt going to even end anytime soon.